The Best Worst Years of Our Lives
To Whom It May Concern,
A year and a half ago, I was suicidal. No place to live. No job to chase. No lover to follow. No passion to pursue. No life to lead. No reason to live.
I was stuck. Paralyzed by uncertainty. Too scared to move forward, too miserable to stay where I was. Every decision felt like life or death—where to move, Who to live with, what job to Apply To, what to Do with my life and how to figure it out.
And then, one day, I made my first move.
I quit my job.
I quit without knowing where I’d move or even if i would. I quit my job without having applied to any others. I quit without even knowing the faintest idea of what jobs i’d apply to. I quit my job without having any of it figured out.
It was simple after I asked myself one singular question.
What would I say to myself in the mirror if I quit my job Tomorrow?
The Answer was even SIMPLER than the Question.
I am so Fucking proud of you.
I quit the pressure to have it all figured out. I quit forcing myself to have a “plan.” I quit caring about where I’d land, what career I’d try, what gender I’d marry, what passion I’d actually follow, what I wanted out of life, or what I needed in order to live. Instead, I gave myself permission to just be.
To wake up each day and live for that day. However the Hell that looked. No judgment. No rules. Just kindness. Just freedom. Just love—for myself, for my life, for the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I’d figure it out along the way.
And I did.
Some of the things I did That HELpEd
1. I Gave Myself Permission to Do Nothing
For the first time, I let myself rest. I stopped trying to force productivity. If all I could do was wake up and get through the day, that was enough. There is no award for burnout, no prize for suffering through exhaustion. I let go of the guilt and allowed myself to just exist.
2. I Stopped Chasing a "Purpose" and Started Following What Felt Good
The pressure to have a grand purpose was suffocating me. So, I stopped asking "What am I meant to do with my life?" and instead asked, "What feels good today?" That was enough. The big picture would come later.
3. I Stopped Caring About Who I Was "Supposed" to Be
I let go of labels and expectations. It didn’t matter what gender I married, what job I had, what people thought of me. I gave myself space to just be without trying to fit into a mold that was never made for me.
4. I Romanticized the Smallest Things
A good song on a long drive. The way coffee tasted in the morning. The first warm day after winter. I made the little things feel big. I decided that ordinary moments were worth celebrating.
5. I Let Myself Be Bad at Things
I tried things I wasn’t good at. I let myself suck at them. I wrote without worrying if it was good. I took up hobbies just for fun. I let go of the pressure to be "the best" at everything and just enjoyed the process.
6. I Chose Love, Always
Love for myself. Love for my life, even when it felt impossible. Love for the people who reminded me that I mattered. Love for the possibility that things could get better.
Where I Am Now
I'm still figuring it out. But I wake up wanting to be here. I have things I care about. People I love. A life that feels like mine. And I got here by being kinder to myself than I ever thought possible.
If you feel lost, stuck, or like you’re running out of reasons to stay—try letting go. Stop gripping so tightly to the idea that you need to have everything figured out. Give yourself permission to just be, however that looks for you. No judgment. No rules. Just love and freedom to do nothing or anything.
You don’t have to have a reason to be here. Being here is reason enough.
And if that still isn’t enough, call me 585-402-0614.
I mean it.
With love,
Kaitlyn
